March 2011
4 posts
September 2010
2 posts
2 tags
Awkward conversation #275
Friend: "Last semester, when Me, Friend A, and Friend B went to church--"
Me: "Oh, I didn't realize Friend A was christian."
Friend: /nods enthusiastically "That's right, if you look on her facebook, it says there, 'Religion: Christian'."
Me: "Mine says 'Peach Green Tea'."
Friend: "..." /slow nod
Me: "hehehe... he"
Friend: "..."
Me: "Yup... that's what people like me... do..."
August 2010
3 posts
2 tags
2 tags
3 tags
April 2010
5 posts
3 tags
The simple things
Today I randomly grabbed a chunk of pages in my textbook, an flipped to the right page in one go. It made me happy and think of childhood, when by chance, you would stumble onto the correct page, look at the classmate you were sharing your textbook with, and both say, “Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooa.”
3 tags
China has tumblr???!!!
So I swear, at the beginning of the semester, I was not able to get onto tumblr for the life of me, and today, just for fun, I tried it (after periodically trying) and you can imagine my surprise when tumblr loaded. Part of the reason of why I haven’t updated is due to the great firewall o’ China, (other reasons involve a hard drive crash, and the simple fact that I’m in FUCKING...
January 2010
2 posts
Diary of a dental disaster
As Miss LaVida mentioned, I, TMuffin, am a walking dental disaster. A few of the details are off, so allow me: I have a total of eight god damn cavities, one root canal, and I have to remove all four of my wisdom teeth. Specifically, one little bitch has decided not to conform and is growing out horizontal to the rest of the molars. Horizontal as in there’s a fuckin right angle at the back...
1 tag
December 2009
8 posts
3 tags
The sleepless logs of TMuffin #1
@ 5:46AM. Forgot what I was reading in the middle of a sentence and was convinced my psychology textbook was talking marketing instead.
(Would it be too geeky if I started this post with “Captain’s Log”?)
1 tag
Reasons why I'm a failure
That really important ID photo (and it’s very important seeing as I have to send it with the emergency contact info form) for the international student ID I mentioned? Yeah, I deleted all the photos off the memory card because I thought I’d copied it into my computer.
F. M. L. It is so difficult for me to look decent in a picture/clean up. AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG
5 tags
Love is...
When you clean your bathroom for someone. Toilet rims and everything.
Was ready to caulk it for #3.
MissLaVida came to TMuffin’s higher education home, leaving in her wake:
»Tumblr and facebook accounts logged in
»A US Foreign Policy paper
»Drool stains
»A strictly Mariah Carey/*NSYNC playlist
»Chili, biscuits, and yellow rice
Edit:
»A...
2 tags
The longest post on things I'm sure you couldn't...
I have a minor update, but first:
I just got back from the bathroom and during the process of wiping my bum, I hear the someone come into the bathroom, walk into a stall, do their business, and walk out of the stall—all before I can put on my pants. Now, I had a sufficient head start on this lady and by using my super hearing powarz, I could tell she did not touch the toilet...
November 2009
8 posts
1 tag
3 tags
My heart flutters at typography
TMuffin: I really love [the professor’s] handouts. They’re in garamond font, the heading and body are separated so clearly, and the margins are fantastic.
Pedo Bear (a friend, not the bear): I really thought I was worse than you, but… you’re a huge nerd.
gee-dee:
mliaverage:
Today, I stepped on a crunchy leaf in my driveway. It was the first crunchy leaf I have encountered in the last month and a half due to lots of rain. I later received a text from my boyfriend asking me if I liked the leaf. It turns out he found it earlier today and put it in my driveway. I now remember why I love him. MLIA
Mom's infinite wisdom, part II
Mom: TMuffin, in the future, after you get married, a lot of guys will like you. But, don't get tempted okay?. That way, when the divorce comes, you can get more.
The mystery solved
“Care less. The dismissive ‘I couldn’t care less’ is often used with the shortened ‘not’ mistakenly omitted: ‘I could care less.’ The error destroys the meaning of the sentence and is careless indeed.”
—William Strunk Jr. The Elements of Style (p. 42)
I’ve actually wondered about the “care less” quote a LOT, and...
October 2009
3 posts
The definition of a 40 or TMuffin's overdue post,...
for·ty \ˈfȯr-tē\ noun 1. A 40oz bottle of liquor. 2. A cause of a night of dildo whipping drunkenness, hobo blanket wrapping urges, bathroom familiarity (in which you will ask a friend to stand in a bathroom with you as you do your business because you both “have the same parts”), tendencies to pass out spontaneously, a fear of foliage, screaming unintelligible answers/clues during...
6 tags
The raw meat lesson or TMuffin's guide to living...
It’s a couple weeks overdue, but let’s hope I can still give this topic justice.
Hoping to spice up my life a little, I invited myself over to MissLaVida’s higher education home away from home for an overnight—and this Asian got her money’s worth. By 4am that night, I was ready to raise the white flag and I remember distinctly, yelling out on the floor at one point, “Where AM I?!!” Rule #1 of...
September 2009
4 posts
5 tags
My mother's infinite wisdom
Mom: Have you been taking your vitamins? Did a new box come in?
Me: I've been taking them; I still have plenty left, didn't get anything besides the mooncake in the mail.
Mom: Really? They're expensive, keep checking! Can anyone hear this conversation?
Me: No, they can't.
Mom: Good, they might try to steal your vitamins.
Me: I think even if I offered it to them, they wouldn't take it.
Mom: That's true. They're ignorant.
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On the bus. There's an empty seat beside me.
Mom: I hope no one sits next to you. At least no one fat. Fat people smell. Do you know why they smell? It's because there's poison in their meat. They need some of the vitamins you're taking. And some more supplements. You should explain it to them.
Utopia's fortune
This cookie has it right:
It’s safe to say the majority of people would find this appealing, but what about those assholes you know? The ones that are just rotten and shouldn’t be rewarded with anything aside a bag o’ bullshit—like what they give others. Well, according to this lovely fortune, they’ll get exactly what they fuckin deserve.
It’s a beautiful...
The folly of men
My father is a crazy nazi of a man. When I was little, I never thought twice of his dictatorship ways and obediently followed his rule (because I was probably scurred out of my mind). As I got older and developed some more common sense, we learned the hard way that my temper wasn’t a far cry from his. My father and I get into the most ridiculous arguments, some of my favorites being the one...
TMuffin conquers bread
I haven’t posted in a while and I’m sure the world is in turmoil because of it, so I’m going to share a short story with you.
For dinner today, I decided that I’d be healthy and frugal by going back to Le Box Magnifique (aka my living quarters) and whipping up a sandwich, heating up that last slice of apple pie, and washing some grapes if I’m still feeling like a...
August 2009
3 posts
How many licks does it take to get to the center...
"What do you mean, 'you think,' how do you think."
"As in, you just want to try it. You just want a lick of the lollipop, not eat the whole thing. You just want to know what flavor it is, not get to the center of the Tootsie Pop."
4 tags
Who is, The Mole? More importantly, where?
I understand that we are to be good people. I understand that although however nice and beautiful the idea of loyalty is, and no matter how you have been wronged, your friends and relations are in no way truly, truly obligated to be asses to people who have wronged you.
Those who are however, are keepers.
Those who aren’t, should be placed in the “to donate” pile of your...
Dear Bob Jr, my missing iPod,
I really miss you. I feel vulnerable, nekkid, and incomplete without you.
When that dumb bitch bum rushed onto the train before I could get off at Grand St. and knocked you right clear off my belt clip and straight into the tracks (with a nearby retard who could do nothing but look at me, look at the crack, look at me, and chant “Aiyah aiyah aiyah aiyah”), our time together was cut...
July 2009
8 posts
4 tags
Making statements and avoiding potholes
“Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I go slow
so if you want me, I don’t come cheap
keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve.
Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
‘cause the more that you fight, the harder I’ll try
to say, goodnight.”
—Kelly Clarkson “I Do Not Hook Up”
I’m tempted to cut that song and make the chorus into my...
3 tags
An "A" for effort
I joined Fitday yesterday, because I’m going to attempt to count my calories and I WILL LOSE THIS STUPID WEIGHT AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, DAMMIT. You can update the log with your activities and while scrolling down the dropdown menu (looking for “weights” I promise), “Sexual Activity” caught my eye—well, whose eye wouldn’t it catch?!—so I...
3 tags
FAFSA with 妈妈, she needs to see it.
Filling out documents or forms of any kind in English is one of the single most frustrating activities in a Chinese-American household. I say Chinese because I don’t want to overstep and say “Asian,” though I would bet good money that it’s the same in all us crazy rice loving families.
I’m a little late in filling out my FAFSA *cough* and recently received a...
7 tags
Courtesy rules of bailing 101
Went to Picnic Garden today for copious amounts of Korean barbecue. Invited Whipped and his Owner again (because I am polite—at least that’s what helps me sleep at night), who had the good graces of bailing before and not during the hang out this time. I would’ve been more surprised if they actually showed up.
We decided to meet at 6:00pm and by then, I knew exactly where...
6 tags
Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton), a study in puberty.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince [aka HP6 (aka the best Harry Potter film so far)], portrays a magical thing called puberty. Since girls go through puberty earlier than boys, I’m clearly not talking about Hermione’s pretty feminine appeal or Ginny’s height and voice change. Unfortunate victims of puberty include Ron and Harry Potter himself, even after the cracked voices...
2 tags
TMuffin: I want to be skinny so I can wear pretty clothes.
Miss LaVida: No, I like your boobies.
TMuffin: ...yeah, I do too.
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#3: She's Hispanic, I'm conservative, and you're... special.
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TMuffin: If we don't work out, you should consider marrying an Irish woman so you can capitalize off of your child's hotness.
Man Friend: LMAO
TMuffin: I'm just looking out for you.
2 tags
12:01am, I win at life.
Next Tuesday night, 12:01am, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. That’s right, envy us. Me, Miss LaVida, Man Friend, and Shifty will party like a bunch of nerds on line for the latest HP book—which, I’ve done and can tell you, it is quite the most exciting sober activity. Sans one very awesome Slytherin HP tie because Man Friend is an accountant and Miss LaVida and #3 will...
4 tags
To whom it may concern:
Dear selfish immature hypocrites living off of double standards and whom are no doubt pissy about something that me or the next person has done: Thanks for the good times. Now grow up.
Dear unconfrontational passive whiny retard valley girl next door: You are by far the dumbest shit I’ve ever come into contact with. You lost your common sense somewhere along the way, and with the above,...